Create More; Consume Less
Yesterday was so uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable, because the judge in my head had a megaphone, reminding me of the ways I’d failed the day.
Uncomfortable, because the jury in my head condemned me to a prison built on layers of fear, for the inability to force myself into productivity.
Uncomfortable, because the perfectionist in my head found fault with every attempt I made, spreading a poisonous salve across my skin that itched and burned.
Uncomfortable.
I wanted to numb out.
Numb numb numb.
I wouldn't have even been that mad at myself had I chosen the numbing path. Whatever needed to be felt, I knew, would come back another day. Another day when I’d be better equipped to feel the feelings that needed to be felt about circumstances I could not control and could not change.
Numb numb numb.
I’d tried all day to ignore my discomfort. To exercise it away, sleep it away, scroll it away.
Numb numb numb.
All day, I’d allowed the uncomfortable to be there. I’d let the tears come, hiding behind mirrored sunglasses and waterproof mascara and the desperate need for my crying to give me relief, as it so often does.
And yet. By the time night came, I was still feeling.
Uncomfortable.
I decided to write it out, as I often do.
The words never came.
But this did.
doodles
What is it?
Mostly, it’s nothing. Lines on a page. Colors. A series of whims, followed.
As my body sat with my discomfort, my pens drew circles on a page.
Which, is the funny thing about practicing art. When you can detach yourself from the need to show up a certain way, the expression itself is enough.
There was no need to be good. No need to have fun. No need to think or say or do or move anything but my marker along the white spaces of a blank page.
My thinking brain sank into quiet, noticing only the sound of Sharpies grinding against rough paper.
The uncomfortable feeling that plagued me all day, at some point, left the room. I didn’t notice when; I was simply captivated by the sense of flow.
The sense of calm.
The sense of surrender.
I didn’t notice last night when the uncomfortable left the room. But today, when I look a little closer at my doodles, I can see.
A little grief. Some sadness. Anger. Frustration. Overwhelm. Worry.
Released. Without forcing. Without judgment.
Proof of the power of creation. And a demonstration of my choice to show up for 2023 with a new intention:
Create More; Consume Less.
