Spending an honest day with my petty weaknesses

MARCH 19

Weakness

Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable. - Melody Beattie

I stopped highlighting my dishwater blonde hair in 2018 when I got divorced and got poor. 

I wasn’t sure what my natural color even was, after spending decades in a relationship with bleach and foils. 

I had to let it go. It grew long. It grew natural. 

Over time, it grew on me. My trip back to my (literal) roots grounded me into a new version of myself. This new version helped me build a new life.

I seriously loved my natural, long, heavy hair. 

But lately, I’ve been feeling a new energy around me. The kind of energy that asks you to do something different. 

Then, Monday, March 18, 2024 happened. I sat down in my hairdresser’s chair and asked her to cut it off and make me blonde. 

On the drive home, I basked in the brilliance of my new lighter ‘do. I had leaped. I felt ready to take on the world. 

Until I woke up Tuesday morning and looked in the mirror.

The hair itself remained cute. Bouncy, bright. 

But my brain had a hard time reconciling the face attached to it. The face that had been six years younger last time it was surrounded by so much blonde. 

Once my brain gets involved, two things can happen: 

1. I can watch the thoughts and remember that thoughts are like clouds that come and go and that I don’t need to follow them down the rabbit hole. 

2. I can forget watching my thoughts and instead link arms with the thoughts and dive in with every single one of them down deep, deep into darkness. 

I chose Door Number 2. Me and my thoughts did the tango, straight into a hell lit up by my every fear and insecurity.  

I won’t bore you with the details of my downward spiral. But the highlight reel goes a little something like this: you’re too old to be this blonde 🌀 what are you trying to prove 🌀 who are you trying to prove something to 🌀 you look washed out 🌀 stay small 🌀 stay safe 🌀 you dummy 🌀 holy shit girl it’s way past Botox-o’clock 🌀 please lose 10 pounds 🌀 this doesn’t change your life 🌀 this is a ridiculous thing to spend money on 🌀 why ya gotta be so vain 🌀 you gonna post on IG to get some likes 🌀 validate yourself, seriously 🌀 have you learned nothing 🌀 stop being stupid it’s a haircut 🌀 you should really reconsider every decision you’ve ever made because you’re an idiot

Thank gawd for bedtime routines

Before I went to sleep, I picked up the book by my bed* and read the March 19th entry. It began with the quote above, and goes on to say: 

We are all frail. We all make mistakes. We all fall petty to a thousand emotions and exaggerations. But these things make us rich, not weak -- if we are willing to face them squarely…

After breaking many things in my life—hearts, heirlooms, robins’ eggs—I am humbled to admit that the only difference I see on Earth between being strong or weak is the honesty with which we face ourselves, accept ourselves, and share ourselves, blemishes and all.  

Yesterday, my choice to enter Door 2 was a courageous choice to face myself. A former version of me would have shut down those feelings and posted a selfie on IG captioned New Me ✌️ feigning confidence and looking for the validation of others.

But for real: the downward spiral was never really about the blonde. It was me, revisiting the things I’ve broken. Dancing with my frailties, my mistakes, my thousands of emotions and exaggeration. It was my invitation to face them squarely. And share with you today, knowing that facing myself and accepting myself and my blemishes may invite you to do the same. 

Coco Chanel said, “A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.” I’ve been deep in a healing cycle that’s ready for me to take more leaps. I took a leap with the haircut, and yesterday I felt scared, weak, and vulnerable. 

Writing about it today has reminded me of my strength. 

Thanks for reading, friends. Cheers to the discomfort.

From The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo

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