Finding freedom

How I learned I always have a choice

I came to mindfulness for one reason: I didn’t think I had a choice. 

In 2011, I was sick. Sick, and stuck in bed, for days on end. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t “friend.” I couldn’t “wife.” I couldn’t even “mom.” At least in the ways I wanted. 

These were some of the darkest months of my life. 

Deep in the kind of depression that happens when you lose control of a busy, well-planned life, I received a gift. My “woo-woo” aunt gave me a book about spiritual surrender. With nothing else to lose, I read it. Cover to cover. The message resonated, and soon I was able to “give it up” to the universe.

With the skepticism of a true non-believer, of course. 

Soon enough, bread crumbs started to appear along my path. I was introduced to guided meditations--many of which could be done lying down. I began listening to mediations with titles like Beyond Pain and Relax into Healing. 

It was a struggle, at first. I was accustomed to moving through life in a logical, systematic way. I craved control. 

Over time, showing up to my practice became what I could control. 

My body required me to slow down. My mind kept on its busy, busy, track. It kept seeking answers. 

But that’s what our minds are good for, right? Finding logical answers. The idea of nervous system regulation resonated. 

That’s when I started to return back into my body. First, through letting myself sit outside in the sun and away from screens. Then through slow, intentional walks. Sometimes only a block or two. Before I’d gotten sick, I practiced yoga. There was no way I was returning to any class marked “power,” but I discovered a class labeled “restorative.” I began taking a weekly class with people in wheelchairs and who had lost limbs due to accidents. I met others with chronic pain. I felt so much less alone. 

Slowly, I began to feel better. My new practices and the care of a great doctor helped. 

Fast forward five years, and I was working full time for a nonprofit that was, of all things, starting a mindfulness program. In 2018, the founder sent me to Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). It’s an 8-week, evidence based program that offers intensive mindfulness training to help people with stress, anxiety, depression, and pain. 

I dove right in. My practice was taken to the next level. 

The course culminates with an all-day silent retreat. I was nervous, as being quiet has never been my forte. Something happened that day that I could have never expected: something in my brain and body clicked.

I found within me, within the space of my heart, an undeniable joy. A joy that was indifferent to my circumstances. A joy that’s accessible to me, at any time. A joy I can intentionally tap into. A joy I can live from. 

It opened a doorway of self love that had been previously closed. It revealed the many ways I’d been abandoning myself, and living a life that wasn’t aligned with my highest truths. 

A new journey ensued. And meditation and mindfulness have helped me, every step of the way. 

Meditation has shown me how to sit in the space between a stimulus and response. It’s shown me the choice point that I’d never been able to see before. 

It gave me the freedom to know:

I always have a choice.