A secret I’ve never told anyone

Here it is:

I saw angels.

Or what I *think* were angels.

IRL.

(Before you ask, I was sober. Mildly hungover. But definitely sober.)

It was 2019. My friend was driving us to the Sacramento airport after a 3-day music festival in Napa. I was drained—physically from all the dancing and singing and laughing—emotionally because my real life back home in Denver was a mess of unresolved legalities and crumbling foundations.

Northern California is a little piece of heaven. As were my traveling companions. I’d gotten a bit carsick on the windy roads on our way into Napa, so I had my eyes staring straight ahead at the oncoming traffic. So even though I was in the backseat, I saw when a motorcycle crossed our lane and went off the side of the road.

I’ve seen accidents. Typically, they fill me with so much dread and anxiety and helplessness and grief. 

I found myself moved to tears. But not for the usual reasons. 

I became aware of something I’d never seen before. 

Or for that matter, really believed in. 

But in that moment, almost four years to this day, I saw something … different. 

I saw that the man was not alone. 

In fact, he was surrounded by multiple presences.

They flanked him on both sides. 

They guided him across traffic and down the steep ditch filled with California poppies. 

I couldn’t see where he ended up. But I was filled with the sense that everything, everything, was okay. 

Not necessarily “okay” in terms of the outcomes my human brain wanted and could comprehend (i.e., his physical body would remain unharmed and he’d ride home that night as if nothing had happened).

But “okay” in that I saw he was not alone.

He was surrounded by an overwhelming energy of love. 

I think about this moment a lot. I think about *why* I, as a skeptic, saw it. I think about *what* I saw, because it wasn’t “seeing” anything like the pictures of angels I saw as a kid who grew up Catholic. I didn’t *see* winged creatures like those depicted on Christmas ornaments or my friend’s lower back tattoo. 

And yet, I *saw* something. Or maybe, I felt it. With all of my being. I felt the presence of multiple, sturdy companions at his side. 

And I felt so at peace. 

I don’t know why they made themselves known to me in that moment. Maybe because I was at a point in my life where I was going off-road, diverting from a path I knew and into a vast and unknown space called divorce. 

I acted brave, but I was terrified.

I’d been feeling very alone. This experience told me that I wasn’t. 

I share this secret today because I know at least one of you needs to hear this message. I know at least one of you is choosing a path your logical human brain is telling you is unsafe but your heart is asking you to follow.

You, my friend, are protected. You’re protected by an energy of unfathomable love. You can trust where your heart is leading you.  

I can’t say with any certainty what I saw. Whether it was angels, ancestors, aliens, or a super-delayed post-concert hallucination, something was there. And that something gave me peace. 

Since that day, I have called upon that energy of love many times. 

And so can you. 

It doesn’t need to be complicated. Or anything that looks like the prayers you were taught to say when you were a kid. 

You can tap into that energy of love. Anytime. Anywhere. 

Uttering a simple “help” will do.